Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Again, if your not a pet lover, steer clear of this post.

Today at around 10:30am, Shelby Christian Maag (yes, she even had a middle name) passed on as I held her in my arms. She raised her eyebrows as she took the shot, kind of in a “hey that feels funny” way, and then she fell into a peaceful sleep. The vet listened to her chest and told us that her heart was stopped. A little while later, I noticed her nose and eyebrows twitching. That was what she’d do when she was dreaming. So I think she’s having good dreams now.

I guess the thing that has gotten to me the most is how fast it all happened. The vet explained that it would happen quickly, but I guess I wasn’t prepared for it happening that fast. I’m pretty much a wreck. I think I’ve figured out why pets affect me so much. When you take them as your own, you accept full responsibility for them. They can’t speak for themselves so you have to act in their best interest. You do it and hope that it was the right thing. This was much easier with my first two dogs, because the decisions were made for me. That’s what I’m struggling with now. I’m feeling such intense guilt that maybe I did the wrong thing. I’ve been wishing all day that we would have canceled the appointment today. I just wish I could hold my little Shelby-doodles again. I’m in such pain. I’m extremely numb and don’t know how I’m going to get over this. I hate being in this house. I feel so trapped and confined in it. I somehow composed myself enough to go play poker tonight. I think I could have played all night. It kept my mind focused on something else. The second I got in the car to come home I started breaking down. It’s just everywhere I look in this house, I expect to see her. I hear things that sound like her. I don’t know how long this will go on. My chest feels so tight and compressed. I’m exhausted but I don’t know how I’m going to sleep. This morning when I woke up, I just layed in bed and stared at her lying in her bed. I’m so going to miss her.

I remember when we first saw her at the pet store, she was biting at the glass. She looked so funny with all her fur on her face going all over. When they put her in a little pen with us, she was going nuts biting at our shoelaces. It was instant love, and we couldn’t turn her down.

I am now of the opinion that I never want to own another pet again. When these things happen, there’s just too much pain to take. Don’t get me wrong, I would never trade the time that we had with Shelby. There was so much love in that little dog. I just don’t want another and know that at the end there’s just pain.

I pray that this was the right thing to have done. And I hope that Shelby knows that we love her so much. We just didn’t want her in any pain anymore. I took her for a walk this morning and she seemed to have so much trouble just walking down to Main Street and back.

I could probably just keep going on repeating myself forever. So I’ll go ahead and cut this now.

I love you Shelby. You filled our lives with more joy and love than your small stature could take.

Shelby Christian Maag (1992 – 4/8/2005) Rest in Peace

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